Fools and Kings
by vacuumssuck
Summary: An AU based on a tumblr prompt
1. There Was a Boy

A/N Welcome to my twisted mind.

I'm just kidding, oh my god.

So this is my first real fic and I'm SO excited about it. I would like to thank my glorious beta, Fal, who can be found on AO3 by the name oceanbones or on tumblr as danisnotasynonymforshitty. She is fantastic and I cannot call this fic anything other than a joint effort. She really helped me out a lot here. She is a genius.

I would also like to say as a disclaimer: I cannot condone the shipping extremities I have seen online. Dan and Phil are real people and they deserve the respect of making their own decisions and living their own lives. I'm all for fan fiction (obviously) and other forms of expression, but there is a fine line between creative expression and invasion of privacy. Everything in this fic was created because their friendship inspired me and then my brain threw up all over my mac.

Anyway… This is going to (hopefully) be an ongoing fic (slow burn) and I'm excited and terrified to see all of your reactions to it! Please let me know how we are doing so far! ((if you so desire, you can find me on tumblr as vacuumsscream until halloween or as vacuumssuck afterwards))

From: PJ  
>9:18PM, Nov 19<br>You and Chris be careful tonight alright mate?

_9:50PM, Nov 19  
>Dan?<em>

_10:00PM, Nov 19  
>You arseholes are already drunk aren't you?<em>

_10:32PM, Nov 19  
>You can crash here if you don't want to take the tube home drunk<em>

_10:32PM, Nov 19  
>Just climb through the window, I'll keep it unlocked<em>

_—-_

Somehow, in the throes of drunken stupor, Dan found his way to PJ's neighbourhood. He wobbled his way up to the apartment building and paused, looking up to his potential haven. As much as he wanted the glorious comfort of PJ's couch to sleep on, the physical exertion it would take to scale up the fire escape was less than appealing. Motivated solely by the notion of a warm room and a soft surface to sleep on, he dragged himself up the fourth floor. Upon reaching the open window he burst into the flat. Exhausted from the climb and the alcohol coursing through his body, he flopped on the last thing he took in was the loud ticking of an obnoxious clock, and he vaguely recalled how often PJ had complained about Dan's own cuckoo clock. He was asleep before the hypocrisy could manifest as thought.

—-

Something hard and plastic poked into Dan's face, successfully waking him up from his heavy and dreamless sleep. He groaned and sat up.

"C'mon, I've got the worst headache right now. Give me a break will you?" His words were groggy and slurred. He rubbed his eyes and blinked several times, clearing his vision.

Standing cautiously about a meter away from him was a complete stranger holding a broomstick, wearing pyjamas and a terrified expression.

Dan jerked upright in horrified confusion. He scanned the room despite his aching head and failed to see PJ. He looked back at the flannel-clad stranger, who didn't look like he was quite sure what to do. Dan was sure he was wearing a similar disturbed expression. Cloudy and disoriented, he tried to get his bearings.

"Who the hell are you?"

The stranger looked taken aback. "Who am I? You're the one who broke into my flat! Who are you?"

"Broke into your flat?" Dan couldn't recall breaking and entering as being one of his typical drunken behaviours, "This is PJ's flat." He reassessed the room to assuage any doubt, but in his foggy state nothing looked familiar, "Where the hell is PJ?"

"Wait," the stranger lowered his broomstick apprehensively, "do you mean PJ Liguori?"

"Yeah."

"PJ as in the guy who lives in number 43?" Uncertain as to where the stranger was taking this, Dan nodded. "As in the PJ who lives next to number 42?"

"Oh my God!" Mortification flushed his face red, "This… is not PJ's flat is it?"

The stranger shook his head

"Oh my God, I am so so sorry!" Suddenly significantly more nauseous, he scrambled to collect his shoes, which he had toed off at some point during the night, and his phone, wallet and keys, which had fallen from his pocket into a sprawled mess on the floor. "I'm such an idiot. I cannot actually believe that I broke into some random person's home. PJ and Chris will never let me forget this." Dan stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to the nameless stranger with panic filled eyes. "Please, I know I just broke into your flat and I slept on your couch and I should be thankful I'm not locked up in prison right now—" Dan stopped mid-thought. "Why aren't I locked up in prison right now?"

The stranger looked sheepish, "I've never actually had a strange person appear on my couch before. I wasn't really sure what to do."

"Jesus Christ!" Dan waffled, "You could have been murdered! What if I was a murderer?"

The stranger raised his broomstick again apprehensively.

"I mean I'm not!" Dan raised his hands in surrender, "Dear God. I'm not a murderer. But who doesn't call the police after getting broken into?"

The stranger shrugged, "I mean, if it came down to it, I could defend myself." The stranger twirled the broomstick in a sad imitation of kendo complete with tentative and probably culturally insensitive sound effects.

This hardly reassured Dan as he rubbed his throbbing head. He could always just casually mention to PJ that the building should really tighten its security. Before he could think about how irrational it was that he cared about the safety of this person he didn't know, the stranger halted his display

"I think you were going to ask me something before you got so preoccupied with my welfare."

Dan blinked, "Yeah, erm. Look, so I know you've already done me a huge favour by not, you know, having me arrested or whatever, but would you mind not mentioning this to PJ? He will literally ridicule me until I want to die."

The stranger considered briefly, and then nodded. "I won't tell him outright but you should know that I'm shit at lying, so if he ever asks me for some reason, I'll probably give it away by accident."

Appeased, Dan turned toward the door again, "I imagine that it is pretty safe to say that that will never come up in conversation." He paused and looked back at the stranger, "Erm, thanks again for not killing me or calling the police or, like, filming me sleep or anything. You didn't film me sleep did you?" The stranger looked offended. "Okay, just checking. Sorry for all of this."

"No problem! Well, I mean, it was kind of a problem but I suppose it was just an honest mistake so there's no harm done. I'm Phil by the way. In case you were wondering whose sense of security you've permanently damaged."

"Dan," He winced and opened the door. Turning to leave, he slammed into someone who had apparently been standing just outside. They both stumbled back. "Well, fuck me," Dan cradled his head, staring at PJ who looked more confused than anyone else had been that entire morning, "I can't catch a goddamn break."

A/N

So I was freaking out because I didn't have a title for this fic yet and I really wanted to post it, but then Fal gave me this brilliant suggestion:  
>"Hey :) I had a thought for a title, but it's just a thought. There's this poem that Dan has said he holds very dear called "Nature Boy," and it sort of talks about a boy who travels around and stumbles upon the author one day. I guess it sort of reminded me of Dan stumbling across Phil in your story. Anyway there's a line that says: "A little shy and sad of eye, but very wise was he." So I sort of liked Sad of Eye as a title, but it's just a suggestion :)"<br>Obviously I didn't go with the line that she suggested (not that I didn't think it was a good thought cuz, I mean, I literally stole her idea) but I thought the line Fools and Kings kind of sums up what Dan and Phil are about. They can be completely ridiculous and talk about potatoes one second and then Dan gets all existential the next.  
>Anyway, please let me know how you liked (or didn't like) this first chapter! I'm going to try to update fairly regularly but uni life gets in the way sometimes.<br>~Madeleine


	2. A Very Strange, Enchanted Boy

A/N:

Hey guys! I am so grateful for the positive response that the first chapter got! You all have been ridiculously nice to me and it makes me so much more excited to write! If you have questions, I will can answer them either on AO3 or tumblr (my username is vacuumssuck on everything) I love hearing your feedback!

I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS IS SO DAMN LATE. I had a disgusting bout of writer's block (as did Fal after me) and I couldn't bring myself to write anything. I don't really like this chapter very much (not a whole lot happened, but I needed the situation to resolve somewhat and to answer some questions) but now there's enough room to move forward and I have so many ideas for where this is going! My next chapter is nearly finished and it will be sent to Fal shortly.

Again, always thank you to my beautiful, talented beta, Fal, who not only makes everything better but sHE BETAD BY HAND THIS TIME BECAUSE HER COMPUTER WAS BROKEN! A round of applause for her dedication!

(((Please note that PJ is going to be kinda ooc and kind of a plot device for me, sorry to all of the die-hard kickthepj fans!)))

PJ woke up in his eerily quiet room. He appreciated solitude, coexisting with his thoughts, without the distraction of noisy fans or clocks or refrigerators. This was the first time it ever left him feeling unsettled. He was expecting, however, to hear some of Dan's muffled snores coming from his living room. Yet that morning PJ couldn't hear anything.

He got out of bed and drifted toward his living room where he expected to see his sprawled friend on the couch but the room was completely untouched from when he'd gone to sleep.

"Dan?" he called, cutting through the silence. The quiet room rang no response.

That was odd, as Dan complained about the tube in sobriety but Drunk Dan had a particular hatred for it. Often he begged to stay at PJ's just so that he wouldn't have to use it. He used to beg Chris too until Chris' roommate started complaining about it. It wasn't uncommon for PJ to leave his window unlocked for his friend just in case.

PJ considered his friend's absence for a moment or so, then his eyes widened in horror as he checked the window to the fire escape. Wary and suspicious, he jostled the handle, and swore when it didn't open. He slumped his forehead against the pane. What kind of shitty friend was he? Who knew where Dan was now, what danger he might be in because PJ forgot to unlock his fucking window? He slogged to his room to check his text messages, but the phone screen was vacant

To: Dan

_8:34AM, Nov 20_

_Hey mate, sorry for locking you out last night! I honestly thought I had unlocked the window but you know how tricky it is sometimes. Text me back!_

He paced his living room, speculating what Drunk Dan would do once denied the entry to the window. Maybe Dan had come around and knocked on his door. Surely Dan could knock loud enough to wake him up. PJ shook his head. He was known to have slept through an earthquake before. Well, if Drunk Dan had tried to knock, he would have woken up the neighbours.

Phil Lester, who lived in number 42, was decidedly the coolest and most approachable guy who lived in the building, although it wasn't much competition with the creepy old lady, Mary, who lived in the other flat on his level. She always offered PJ her homemade toffee. Or Uncle Pete, who insisted that everyone call him Uncle Pete even though he was thirty years old. Or the Wendells who only ever talked about their mini herb garden and had obnoxiously loud sex. So, in comparison to the other neighbours he lived with, Phil seemed like a pretty okay guy. They'd had enthusiastic conversations about films and video games upon passing in the hall, and when PJ had ran out of sugar Phil leant him some. He decided to try his luck asking Phil if Dan had come by last night.

Upon raising his hand to knock on Phil's door, it was wrenched open. A body slammed into him. He stumbled back and took a moment to regain his own balance.

"Well, fuck me," PJ looked up to see Dan cradling his head, "I can't catch a goddamn break."

—- —-

Each of the three found themselves rapidly looking back and forth between the other two. PJ was trying to figure out what events could have taken place to lead them to this point in time. Dan alternated between alarmingly looking at Phil and frantically analyzing PJ to see if he had figured it out yet. Phil tried to telepathically tell Dan that there was no way he could lie to PJ about the circumstances and prayed to God that PJ wouldn't get the wrong idea about Dan emerging from his room. PJ broke the silence, defeated by the puzzle.

"So, does someone want to catch me up?"

Both Dan and Phil each deflated. Although Phil choked when he remembered that he might still have to lie.

"Well… I…" Dan glanced over at Phil, who looked quite pitiful, and suddenly it didn't seem worth watching the stranger suffer for his own sake, so he martyred himself, "I, er, climbed through Phil's window instead of yours last night."

By some miracle of miracles, PJ misunderstood. "Since when are you guys friends? Well, I feel a lot better about locking you out since you found someone else to stay with!"

"Wait did you just say you locked me out?" He gaped at his friend incredulously.

PJ shrugged apologetically at his friend, "I guess I forgot to make sure the latch didn't stick after I unlocked it last night. You know how I get after writing. I did text you a few minutes ago to make sure you were okay, though. I freaked out a little this morning when I woke up and realized what I'd done."

Dan checked his phone. Indeed, there was indeed a text from PJ.

"I feel slightly better knowing that you at least had a place to stay."

Phil's anxious shifting should have given them away, but PJ didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah," Dan rubbed his head. "Lucky Phil here saved my ass."

PJ eyed him. "Is there something wrong, mate?"

"Me? Oh no, it's just my head. I'm so hungover."

PJ smirked, "That's what you get for getting so drunk without me, my friend."

At this point Phil was paling at a distressing pace, so Dan thought he had better make his exit. "Right, so, I'm just going to go home and rest a bit." He solutes the two neighbours and inched away from the other two.

PJ waved. "See you Tuesday, yeah?" Dan quickly scurried away. Once he was out of earshot, PJ turned to Phil and crossed his arms. "So, what really happened?"

Phil must have choked on his own spit, as he started coughing violently. PJ slapped his back a couple of times. When he regained his composure he weakly brushed his fringe aside.

"I don't understand, what do you mean?"

"Look, I know that you and Dan weren't friends before yesterday. I talk about him and Chris all the time. Surely you would have mentioned it by now had you known the same Dan Howell as me."

"Maybe… I thought it was a coincidence?" PJ raised his eyebrow, and Phil couldn't help but lose some of his resolve. "Please don't ask, I promised I'd try not to tell you."

"I hate not knowing what's going on," Phil looked pretty desperate at this point. "Okay, I won't make you tell me but I will figure it out eventually."

Phil deflated a bit and shrunk back into his home.

PJ lingered, interest entirely too piqued.

—- —-


	3. They Say He Wandered Very Far

Hey guys,

So sorry that I'm totally inconsistent with my updates! If you'd prefer that I was more consistent then let me know and maybe I'll update less but on certain days? Idk what you guys think but you can tell me if you have opinions. My next chapter might take a while as I have like three papers due and then finals after that :S Sorry!

Thank you for clicking this story, it means a whole lot to me! I have to admit that sometimes when I'm sad or having a bad day I just look at the reviews and it cheers me up right away!

As always, please check out my amazing beta Fal (oceanbones on AO3 or danisnotasynonymforbottom on tumblr)! She's fantastic and awesome!

Anyway here's the chapter! Tell me what you think!

Madeleine 3

From: PJ

_2:24PM, Nov 23_

_Hey so I'm running a bit late so don't get to my house until like 3:30 okay?_

Dan blinked down at his phone. Had he still been at home he would have been completely fine with postponing their Donkey Kong-a-thon. Instead, he was stuck leaning against the locked door to PJ's flat with bags of crisps and beverages. Had he not taken an earlier tube to give himself enough time to buy snacks, he could have waited things out at home. Disheartened, he sat down, deciding to just wait for his friend to make it home. He put in his earphones and closed his eyes to focus on the song blasting from his phone.

Just as he had zoned out, thinking about various existential issues, someone turned down the hall. He made his way down to his flat with his arms packed with groceries. Not noticing Dan seated on the ground, the clumsy figure tripped over one of Dan's bags of snacks. This caused a domino effect of uncoordinated acts and strangled curses resulting in groceries sprawled everywhere and the graceless person splayed across an alarmed and confused Dan who tore out his earphones.

"Phil?"

Phil looked up,"Er, hi?"

Dan took in the mess of bags in the hall. "What the hell just happened?" he exclaimed incredulously.

"I really am sorry, I was uh," he pushed himself from Dan's lap. "I wasn't looking where I was walking and I tripped over your er, your," he gestured at the snacks which had been kicked over. "Bags." Phil got up and started collecting his groceries. Dan helped him stuff things back into their bags. Apart from a sad looking carton of broken eggs, everything was more or less intact, if not a bit soggy. Phil scrambled to get his key, still rambling on,"I was pretty focused on getting all of these bags home, I guess I didn't look. Of course it would be you of all people that I trip and fall on." He had successfully opened his door.

"Picked up some groceries?" Dan awkwardly gestured to the bags he had picked up.

"Yeah." Phil ushered Dan into his small kitchen and packed his groceries into his cupboards. "Why are you camped outside PJ's door?"

"He's running late. I was just waiting for him to get back." Dan wasn't quite sure what to do other than stand by the counter and hand Phil his soggy cereal boxes.

"Do you want a cup of tea or coffee or water…" Phil trailed off. He didn't have a whole lot of options despite just replenishing his supplies.

"I'm good" Dan vaguely gestured to his bags in the hall.

"Well, if you don't want to look like a sad homeless person, you're welcome to stay here until he comes." Phil offered, washing his eggy hands.

Dan considered it in his head, debating whether the awkwardness would be worth not looking like a loser in the hall. Phil turned to regard him, as if sensing his discomfort. "I have my old N64 set up in the lounge. I dunno if you're into that but my mum just posted me the last of my games if you want to play."

That definitely piqued Dan's interest. "Yeah? What games do you have?"

Phil moved them towards the other room where there was a large cardboard box of old games which they sifted through. They reminisced sporadically when something evoked long forgotten childhood emotions — frustration and lament and triumph.

Dan help Super Smash Bros in his hands. "This was my favourite game when I was younger until my cousin came over and borrowed it from me. He broke it within a week, the twat."

"You want to play?"

"Oh my god, _yes I want to play. Are you kidding me?_"

Phil tossed him a controller. They settled on opposite ends of the couch, which Dan was already well acquainted with. He felt significantly better about the circumstances this time around.

—- —-

PJ leapt up the stairs to his floor, exhausted and exasperated. He'd been in the perfect headspace for a Donkey Kong-a-thon before his manager asked him to cover a coworker's shift. It had already been a busy day, so by the time they strolled in an hour and a half later he was ready to pull his hair out. No doubt Dan would be moody about it too. He'd have to buy him a pizza or something.

Finally reaching the fourth floor, PJ turned the corner only to be greeted with a few bags in the hall with a noticeable lack of Dan. He checked his phone, but all too familiarly the screen was blank.

He had picked up the bags to inspect their contents when a loud yelp sounded, causing PJ to drop the bag. The contents, sprawled once again. A familiar maniacal laughter followed. PJ realized that it must have been coming from Phil's door. He stepped closer, about to knock.

"I will eviscerate you!" Dan's voice declared.

"Hey! You can't push me!" Phil shot back.

He jiggled the handle and found it unlocked. Figuring Phil owed him an explanation, he decided not to feel guilty for letting himself in. Inside were his friend and his neighbour, shoulder-checking each other on the couch. They were both looking murderously at the television screen. A character fell off the platform.

"No!" Phil hollered sinking back into the couch. "If you hadn't made me drop my controller I'd have won that one!"

"Just like you'd have won the twelve times before this!"

"Hey, I won like five in a row!"

"Before I'd gotten used to the controls again!"

"Like it takes five—"

PJ cleared his throat.

Both of them whirled around. PJ held up the bags in his hands.

"I was just coming to ask if you knew where Dan went." Phil flushed and they both looked slightly terrified. PJ hated not understanding what was happening.

"Right, well, uhm, Phil had a bunch of groceries and I helped him and he has Smash…" Dan and Phil looked sheepishly at each other.

"Would you like to join us?" Phil held up his third controller.

Luckily, PJ didn't pry. Despite knowing that these two couldn't possibly have known each other for more than a couple of weeks, PJ decided he'd sort out what was happening later. They did seem to get on quite well.

"Okay, but I call dibs on Kirby."

—- —-

After hours of Nintendo madness, the sun set and the boys were slumped about the couch with an empty pizza box on the floor next to them. They had switched from video games to movies and now Spirited Away was playing quietly in the background. Phil yawned and stretched his arms. PJ checked his phone which glared 12:38 a.m.

"Well, it's getting late. Dan and I had better head back to my place. Sorry for keeping you so long, mate"

Dan looked up from his daydreaming and, too, looked at his phone. "Shit, yeah, we better go."

He and PJ collected their things and Phil walked them to the door.

"Sorry again for holing up at your place." PJ nodded at his neighbour and dug out his house key.

"No problem, I was waiting for an excuse to play my Nintendo again if I'm honest."

"You don't _need an excuse_ to play Nintendo, Phil" said Dan shaking his head.

Phil grinned back at him, "No, I suppose I don't"

They lulled into silence. PJ raised his eyebrow at this exchange and opened his door.

Dan shook himself, "Right, so bye?" he quickly saluted and stepped into PJ's flat.

Both doors closed and a pleasant energy lingered in Phil's apartment as he threw himself into bed.


End file.
